Day 49 - Final Post

So today is day 49 I now believe, and am sad but also happy to say that this is probably going to be my final post. Nothing much new is happening now in regards to my jaw, my swelling is still reducing and sensation finally returning however bottom lip and chin still pretty numb.

I am managing to eat more and more food as long as still relatively saucy so either lots of gravy etc, however eating is still a messy procedure so apologise in advanced to all my work colleagues whom are going to have to endure my terrible eating habits at this present time.

I do look different unfortunately I now look even younger then I did before and with this new haircut my mother kindly told me I look approximately 12 years of age, if I didn't look on the bright side and see how jealous all my friends and family will be when I am 40 looking a mere 29, I would actually be offended alas I am not. I may even use this to my advantage and see if I can get child tickets when out!

I am petrified of going back to work due mainly to the eating issues but also still so ridiculously tired, I am trying to get up earlier each day at moment to prepare me for the 05:30 starts and 13 hours shifts however so far I set my alarm for 07:30 and managed to drag myself out at approx 09:30 next week should be interesting. However as it is count down to my holiday in January I need to get this body into a better beach shape otherwise I am going to interpret a beached whale look, so back to the gym I will be going once back on home turf, Portsmouth. Just reminded myself I must ring them and restart my membership as I temporarily cancelled it whilst having this op and also need to ring occupational health at work as missing my flu jab and need Hep A booster :(

Thank you to everyone who has cooked, cleaned, lifted my spirits or in anyway just helped me in the past 6/7 weeks. It would have been a very boring few months without you all. I still have a little way to go especially getting my braces off and so therefore will probably post something once that happens as is nice for me to look over as well even if no-one else reads it.

Day 44 - Return to looking normal

I am just about starting to look like a normal human being now, swelling has drastically reduced and am happy to go out in public, however not yet to eat as bottom lip and chin still extremely numb and mouth only opens about a finger wide so eating is still a messy issue.

Wednesday night decided to be spontaneous and went to see the new bond film... Skyfall with Luke and some other friends, this was actually better then I thought it would be, one of first Bond movies I have actually sat and watched the whole way through. Didn't get home though until gone 1am though but was well worth it.

Anyway I had my hospital appointment on Wednesday now have the go ahead to eat proper food and chew!!! My surgeon is happy with the swelling reduction etc and therefore does not need to see me again for 3 months, however I am still under the orthodontic team in regards to my brace. Hopefully getting the surgical hooks removed in 2 weeks yes, as since my feeling is returning to the inside of my mouth I am unfortunately now able to feel the chunks of flesh that these hideous hooks are gorging out of me. I am also hoping and praying that since the hooks are coming off this so means that my elastics will be finished as well as I will have nothing to hook them onto and will be able to exercise my jaw until it opens a normal amount to at least fit a grape in. Instead I am currently having to cut my grapes into 2 or even sometimes 3 pieces.

So I think this is going to be one of the last blogs I ever do as not much is changing now in regards to my jaw and it's becoming more of a general rant he he.

Day 42 - Errands

My last two days have been filled running so many errands for people, this is a role that my mummy normally does however since she has not been allowed to drive I have taken over. I have had to take old people to hospital appointments, had to do food shopping for the elderly and generally other errands here there and every where. A crazy life from where I was a week ago, relaxing before returning to work.

So something unbelievable happened to me as well on the way back from my boyfriends house last night. It was past midnight and I was toodling along the road in my car when all of a sudden the car behind me started driving very close, when going round the corner he then put his blue sirens on and pulled me over!!! I had no idea it was policeman as they were in an unmarked vehicle. Thinking oh s*** I pulled over, got out and they proceeded to tell me the reason for pulling me over is my car was marked on their system as stolen!

'You heard right....STOLEN!' 

There had to be a mistake, I brought this car brand new from the manufacturer !! Then his colleague pointed out they wrote the number plate down wrong....phew! However that was not the end of the matter he proceeded to interrogate me to why I was up this way of the country as my car is registered down in Portsmouth! Then he told me off for cutting the corner to which my response was ' Who doesn't at this time of night when you have a vehicle driving up your arse' Yes I spoke back to policeman with hindsight probably not the best thing I could have done but I was only having banter with them due to their mistake. They did admit it was because they thought they were in for a chase with a stolen vehicle and that I had highly disappointed them with my normality. This did make me chuckle they let me go in the end with just caution not to cut the corner in future.

I have the hospital tomorrow hopefully will be less eventful then this evening. I am hoping to get to the bottom of why I cannot open my mouth and get the go ahead to start chewing... no more soup for me!

Day 40 - Weekend Bliss

I had the most amazing weekend shopping in Basingstoke was wonderful, got some more xmas pressies, must confess though I am rather a bah humbug! Just finding it more difficult the older my family members become, enjoying buying toys for the children though, maybe we should all go back to our childhood and have Lego and Barbies etc for presents.

On Sunday went for a wonderful walk up at Blackdown was a truly stunning day, sun shining however still very cold approx 3 degrees Celsius, so scarves and coats still needed. The dog had a whale of a time running in and out of the puddles and bracken and I enjoyed a phenomenal chat with my newly acquired man and best friend. 

Also discovered a new sensation white wine with a straw, this was a God-send after coming home from my blissful weekend to find my brother had dumped everything he no longer wanted in the 'spare room' as he stated which is currently my bedroom! Also washing up piled up and clothes washing just dumped by machine, when questioning this 18 year old on why this was so his response was he doesn't know how to sort the washing he might end up shrinking it or changing the colours!!! Anyway instead of shouting I turned to the bottle, managed to cook myself a beautiful lasagna to calm myself put it down for one minute and the sodding dog ate it! Well as you could probably tell I lost the plot tears came, and the poor dog got the brunt of my emotion with me shouting explicits at him. Luckily for him he is a cute Labrador and by morning was forgiven, hindsight is wonderful.

In regards to my jaw, had a little bit of pain probably 3/10 over weekend just due to the cold weather etc and the metal work however nothing a dose of calpol couldn't deal with. I am looking forward to getting these elastics off hopefully soon as still can't open my mouth very wide at all. The feeling is starting to return more everyday to lips and I can now LICK MY LIPS!!! This is such a bonus as lips are drying out horrendously due to this wonderful winter weather.

Anyway a busy week ahead.... including hospital appointment will update again soon.

Day 38 - Return

My swelling has gone down a lot I can now feel cheekbones, and the sensation is starting to return in my lips although constantly feels like pins and needles. Still swollen slightly more on my right side but hopefully this will go.

Mum has now returned safe and sound after finally having her op yesterday. So now although I am still resting it is my turn to look after like she did so lovingly for me and to drive her around. This is good but I am surviving on so little food and nourishment especially not drinking enough water that I feel faint and worn out so quickly too. However I managed to clean the house for her and get together even a wardrobe and chest of drawers in spare room with a little help from a friend :) So everything is coming together nicely, she was so pleased with what I had achieved just seeing the smile on her face was enough.

Today is my dad's birthday so

'Happy Birthday, dad' 

We met up at a small local pub for a drink which was nice, had my first fizzy drink since op shhh don't tell surgeons, was good although still have to use a straw. Lots of people still ask about my braces and the elastics keeping my mouth closed as obviously I still talk differently and some words are difficult to pronounce and for others to understand. Tend to sound like Johnathon Ross pronouncing my 'R's wrong. People still think I am crazy for going through this but I don't regret it... yet... just wish the feeling in my lips would return slightly faster.

Stopped off at a friends for a bit and had a good laugh and pick me up just what the doctor ordered. Looking forward to a day out tomorrow xmas shopping in Basingstoke, never been there before but heard good things so high expectations.

Day 36 - DIY

As you can probably see I have decided to do these blogs every other day now, nothing much new is happening in regards to my jaw just still same old ache and annoying elastics. Only thing I would say is the gap when I open is ridiculously small hence making it sometimes near impossible to eat. 

This picture shows how wide I can currently get it try getting food through that gap! Will have to talk to surgeon and team about this when next see as not impressed, even if I can start chewing how am I going to get any food in there worth chewing!

So yesterday drove to see mum in hospital she is looking a lot better and is awaiting a second operation which was suppose to happen on Tuesday but has not and didn't happen today (Wednesday) either so holding out hopes for tomorrow. When driving back I did not anticipate the rush hour traffic and in total ended up driving for over 4 hours in one sitting and thus falling asleep at the wheel almost. Luckily I stopped at Tesco and to wake myself up did some food shopping as nothing at Mum's was of a small enough size for one's mouth.  

Spent today (Wednesday) cleaning house, and putting together furniture before mum's return home. However this proved difficult and thus several swear words may have exited my mouth due to Ikea furniture but if I must say so myself I am impressed with my own handiwork. 

My jaw is highly annoying me today and have only managed to eat 1 weetabix all day and even that took a good hour or so to consume. Just nothing seems to go in and stay in, only 1 more week till my appointment hopefully can sort this issue out. 

Day 34 - Turn for the worse

Well well well, what can I say about yesterday and today my life literally got shaken up overnight. Sunday morning 02:30 phone call from brother to say my mother had had a heart attack and was currently in a hospital having emergency surgery a good 3 hours drive from my home.

This all came as an absolute total shock as you can imagine and my main priority was to make sure mum was alright so I drove to my dear friends house and he drove the rest of the 2 hour trip there at 4 in the morning! It felt so surreal as if I was in a dream, when arriving at hospital mum was already out of the operation and feeling much better although slightly out of it on morphine etc. We then headed back home late morning after explaining to the campsite people the situation and took the dog back with us so I could put him in kennels for the time been. One thing I would say is the drive back was beautiful (well the bits I remember, apparently I fell asleep and the dog and my brother leaving my poor friend Luke to drive the lonesome drive on his own).

Today (Monday) I have spent the day cleaning, and doing loads of jobs that needed to be done like post office, shopping etc and have decided that tomorrow will be driving back to Kent to see mum (2 1/2 hours( away and then will for the mean time live at her house in Haslemere as slightly closer and can try and get house sorted ready for her return from hospital. I am so grateful to everyone in last 2 days who have helped me out, offered me support and prayers.

'Thank you' 

Day 32 - Sneeze

 Today had to be up promptly as was going to see some fabulous friends  and their children. The pain this morning in my jaw has somehow doubled possibly even quadrupled over night and required not only paracetamol but codeine as well for comfort. I think this could partly be due to all the cold weather outside causing havoc with the metal work inside my mouth.

Anyway spent day at their home luckily the swelling has gone down loads that the children were not scared of me and I think they were fascinated that I could and was using a straw to eat my tomato soup at lunch. We spent afternoon shopping in Camberley and I managed to get a couple more Christmas presents so slowly coming along.

'aaahhhhcccchhhhoooooo'


That's right forgot to mention starting to sneeze today not a good thing as actually is extremely painful. So hoping and praying is not a cold commencing otherwise codeine may be coming out the cupboard again.

Not much more to say at the moment just counting down the days till I can eat again.

Day 31 - Buttons!

So today set my alarm for 09:00 needing to get back into some sort of reality in regards to time. Once again builders digging up the front path goodness knows what is taking them so long...  I swear I could have done it quicker but maybe that's my controlling nature taking over. Anyway he once again said don't use the water.... this time I was not taking this and insisted for my sanity as well as for the poor people surrounding me I have to have a shower.

'You might smell but I need my showers' 

Had a lovely morning catching up with mummy number 2... and her wonderful grand-daughter who just wanted to play.... and secretly so did I. Made an awesome make up bag out of paper and filled it with paper make up (Lipsticks, blusher, etc) Although my art skills are yet to be desired. Then went to Gunwharf with a long lost friend that communication and friendship (well hopefully) has started again after 5 years! Was a beautiful sunny day visited the Cadbury shop and came out with chocolate buttons which I have been sucking for what seems like forever but so delicious although definitely prefer white chocolate, for all those people willing to buy me some he he.

2 weeks!!!!!!!!

Not that I am excited, much, so excited less then 2 weeks till hopefully I can start chewing again that is if I can fit it in my mouth I can still only open a tiny gap that even getting pasta in is tricky. But looking forward to some crumpets with lots of melted butter. Food again constantly on my mind can't wait till braces are off completely and I can enjoy anything nothing can hold me back I will become a major master chef at work!

Day 30 - War wounds

 I must have overdone it yesterday as I didn't wake up until 12pm, although was woken at 08:00 by builders once again telling me I cannot use the toilet and water for the day! How on earth do they expect me to do this when I am in all day I do not know.

So after a wonderful lie-in I got up for my lunch instead of breakfast. I am so happy with how my face is changing is very swollen still but I can already see the difference in my chin and my top lip. Just the rest of my face to work on now. My nose is still slightly wonky but my surgeon has promised me with a capital 'P' that this will self correct.





Today has been fairly unproductive just did some cleaning around house and read some of my book. Had a look online for some inspriation regarding Christmas pressies but alas none, except found some for myself.  Anyway tonight when trying to put my elastics in I manage to cut my finger open in not one but two places on my brace, these contractions should come with a warning.

This picture does it no justice but;

'oooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww'

So after a few muttered words under my breath I manage to finally using a different finger get my elastic in the right place. However this is now going be a challenge as I can't use this finger so will take me a lot longer. Think I might give up with taking the elastics in and out and just not eat. However not sure if my stomach would allow this as already tonight I had a 2nd dinner, celery soup just didn't cut it so out came the pasta once again.

Going to set my alarm tomorrow so I actually get up at a sensible time although I am sure the 3 year old will lovingly wake up to see Aunt Pat Pat. Also need to grab a shower before those pesky builders tell us we can't use the water all day.

Day 29 - Christmas begins...

Today I was awoken by some inconsiderate builder knocking on the front door at 8 this morning, however I choose to ignore it thinking if it was anyone important they would ring me. Anyway I eventually came down at 10 to only be confronted by the rudest of builders who had torn up the entire front pathway into my home. This I was not even aware was going to happen! So now we are left with a massive hole to entrance of home with boards across that we have to balance on to get in and out!

Luckily mum came to my rescue and we went into town to attempt first lot of Christmas shopping. This actually went better then planned. Although children are much easier then adults so be warned all you adult relatives out there you may be getting lego or barbies!

Anyway we then had lunch out, yes out, I ate a jacket potato with loads of butter and baked beans (thanks ladies at Greggs) and actually managed to do well. Was feeling very full and satisfied for once except still dribbled half of it down my chin without knowing and got a few strange looks brushing my teeth in the toilets and then attempting to put elastics in. I realise I have been so blessed with eating through this ordeal and how quickly I have healed I do stretch the realms of possibility though.

I had my hospital appointment this afternoon and it went very well. My orthognathic surgeon was happy I asked him to take my braces off and he just laughed and said

'You know you need braces on for 6-9 months' 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 6-9 months that's way past my birthday. I was not best pleased with this news as you can probably tell, however, typical me, I would not accept this answer. So waited to be seen by the orthodontic team and my lovely consultant said should be able to get them off a lot quicker as my teeth have moved beautifully, so still in hope for that awesome 24th!

Day 28 - Hello sleep!

So stayed night at mum's last night and therefore wasn't woken by my wonderful housemate and slept till 10!!! I didn't fall asleep till 02:00 however I did not come out of my bed until gone 12 when a friend was dropping a scarf off. I decided to try chilli and rice for lunch.....

'epic disaster
'Rice + brace = stuck' 

Yes, took both me and my mum, bless her the things I have made her do, to get the rice out of my brace. Don't think I should do this again until I can open my mouth properly. This photo makes me realise how much my swelling is going I actually have cheek bones appearing and don't look like I have huge bags under my eyes.

So this afternoon I just spent my time playing piano mum and I did go out to take dog for a walk however when arriving at woods I decided it was way to cold for me so sat in car whilst she walked dog he he. I feel the cold anyway so bad and plus now it really hurts my jaw to be outside in cold for too long so no win situation I will stay hermit in my warm house thank you very much. Drove back in rush hour why I choose to this I will never know as it is almost like trying to commit suicide on the A3, luckily made it back in one piece where I have not achieved much except cooking more pasta... need to lay off this for the rest of the week.

Xmas shopping tomorrow.... hope no-one has high expectations I have absolutely no inspiration. Then hospital once again at 2 hoping I can have my elastics off!!! Or maybe be told I am amazing and I can chew and they want to take my braces off.... only dreaming. Talking about dreaming I should go do that now in bed... night x

Day 27 - 4 Meals a Day

Well today was a fairly busy day, decided to go get my prescription from the doctors for my pill as my skin is horrendous not being on it. However who was to know 2 hours later I would still be waiting to be seen!

'Beyond a joke' 

I was semi contemplating faking a fainting episode or something just to be seen quicker but eventually got to see a fantastic doctor who I specifically choose as never met me before and all the others won't give me this particular pill again but she didn't know so after doing my blood pressure her panicking because it was 'extremely low' me explaining it's good for me I walked out with my prescription. In 6 months time I will have to possibly move doctors just to get this again he he (not the first time I have done this) luckily living in a city and having plentiful amounts of surgery's help.

Well after spending so long at doctors I rushed around like a bit of a mad women and eventually made it to my work in Southampton, taking my god-daughter with me to show her where I work, she's been wanting to see it for a while. Anyway one of the girls didn't even recognise me also due to the fact we are use to seeing each other in uniform not in 'normal' clothes. My first week back at work is quite heavy going with 5 shifts! This totals 62 hours in one week! This could result in me collapsing at the end .... if I make it that far.

Anyway I then drove up to see a wonderful friend for a drink, had a fabulous chat but left later then we both anticipated so I kipped at my mum's as was a lot closer. However the sight of Tesco made me realise I was super hungry... this seems to happen at 22:00 - 23:00 everyday and therefore I stopped and ended up buying Shepards pie as well as an entire angel delight to myself! I haven't had this for quite a few years and has opened my eyes to the possibility that I can consume another food. 4 meals a day seems to becoming a norm for me no wonder I am losing no weight.

Anyway my brother stumbled in around midnight having spent the evening in A & E, both mum and I love him dearly that we sat at home in the warmth and comfort communicating with him via text. Turns out he has broken it in 3 places. All they seemed to have done is a make-shift cello-tape job of strapping it... nurse Hattie not impressed but he wouldn't let me near him.

Day 26 - Storm

Well was up super early at my friend's as they told me they were going to an event and leaving at quarter past 7. Well at 7:20 I knocked on their door only to discover they had abandoned it due to the storm outside.

'They owe me big time!'

So anyway I decided to brave the storm thinking the sooner I drive home the better. Well the roads were clear of traffic which was a good thing as several times I came across a massive flood making me go on the other side of the road and then the motorway was no better aqua-planing across two lanes. Luckily I made it home in one piece as did my car and jumped into a nice warm cosy bed for an hour before church.

The pain has been good today I am no longer needing analgesia only on the occasional basis and when I fancy the beautiful taste of calpol! My jaw does seem to be jumping about a bit which is painful and my teeth chatter at the same time which is highly irritating. I have been brushing my teeth very well however still notice my breath is not the freshest so decided it was time to try a polo. This with hindsight was not the best thing, as I manage to choke on it whilst driving my car so had to give myself a some what half-hearted attempt of the Heimlich manoeuvre whilst behind the steering wheel. Anyway abandoned polo taking and will stick to swigging my disgusting mouthwash.  

'Hindsight is a wonderful thing'

Day 25 - Fireworks

Well today was such a hectic day I literally shopped till I dropped this is a perfect demonstration of what I looked like --------->

The worse bit is I left the house thinking I looked semi like a human when obviously this is not the case as the amount of stares I got was unreal. Doesn't help that I look like I have had filler in my lips very are swollen more then my face! One girl kept on staring so in the end I offered to explain why I look like this .... well her face was a picture a bright shade of scarlet to be exact. She quickly then turned away and didn't look again he he how she must have been dying too.

So after I decided to treat myself to some new earrings how I manage to always lose one I will never know, might start a new trend of different ones in each ear. Anyway I managed to come out of the shops with:

• 2 dresses (reduced to £5 each... bargain!
• 2 skirts
• Top
• Shoes
• Winter Scarf
• 2 pretty scarfs
• and not just one pair of earrings but several!!!

Anyone who knows me knows I hate shopping so this is quite an achievement. 

So tonight met up with some good friends back in the old village of Chiddingfold for the annual fireworks and bonfire. The weather has definitely turned I was freezing even with a ridiculous number of layers on including scarf, hat and gloves. One thing I have noticed is the cold really hurts my jaw this is probably due to the metal work inside me. 

Anyway was lovely also to meet up with a friend I haven't seen or spoken to in over 5 years. So much has happened in 5 years made me realise how much my life has changed and how much I have accomplished or not as the case is in some aspects. The hardest part of the night was watching everyone else come back to delicious spaghetti bolognese, I sat with my few strands of pasta but hopefully not that much longer. 

Day 24 - Friday feeling

Today, I woke up early to my alarm clock first time has been set in quite a while. The plan for today was to

1. Get a divorce
2. Take little god-son swimming
3. Get into town and treat myself

I know strange plan I know well it didn't quite go like this, I did manage to go to courts and file for my decree of absolute finally after paying silly amounts of money for it. Then packed for swimming only to realise I hadn't thought the process through as how on earth am I suppose to blow up his armbands? Well breaking the news was easier then I expected... left it to his mummy! Thanks Ange :) Thirdly going into town once again did not happen but I did manage to sit and put a load of old clothing I no longer wear on ebay. Did my own entourage in my bedroom only to find I must have lost a fair bit of weight from last year as most of my trousers no longer fit me in fact some could fit two of me in. I haven't weighed myself for quite a long time as have no scales at home but will tomorrow at my friend's house. 

So also today had some excellent news about one of my best friends, my house mate she is now engaged to her wonderful boyfriend... or should I say fiance. They make a wonderful couple and I am so happy for them both if not a little sad that we won't live together one day I will have to get my own wardrobe full of clothes! 

So last day or so I have had the most horrible taste in my mouth, have tried brushing teeth, using mouthwash, drinking orange juice but nothing seems to work. Guess I will just have to live with it for now. Anyway looking forward to a busy weekend ahead. Meeting with friends for fireworks, bonfire and some good old banter. 

Day 23 - Cooking Experience

 Well today I felt a lot better, so much so that I decided I would do some proper home made cooking and stretch the soup diet just a tad.

Well in this concoction went:

• Quorn mince (not because I am vegetarian but because it is much finer and healthier)
• Baked beans (fibre desperately needed)
• Passata
• Carrots, peas, broccoli, peppers (desperate for veg)

Anyway I knew I would not be able to slip the veg down so decided to blend it then add it it to the mixture, however as demonstrated beautifully from the pictures you can that vegetables look yummy pre-blended then post looks disgusting luckily once added into the rest I couldn't taste it. Had this served on a bed of mash potato and more gravy (couldn't survive without this at the moment as waters everything down to swallow). 

Not much more to say about today babysat for my beautiful god-children, again reading bed time stories is good fun don't think I am currently teaching correct pronunciation of words. Also the oldest one, 5 years, refuses to kiss me until I look like I did before, tried to explain I will never look like that again so I am guessing no more kisses goodnight from her. 

Watched Bridget Jones' Diary, can't really beat this film a good pick me up movie however all romantic and slushy left me feeling a little :( 

Day 22 - Pedantic

Starting to like the late nights and late lie-in's appreciating it whilst off work, then hello to 05:30 starts again! I thought my mugshot today could be of my x-ray post surgery that I got to see today and sneaked a photo off when my consultant wasn't watching. You can see just how many plates and screws have in my face that will remain there forever, but hopefully not the braces.

So, had my hospital appointment today I decided that I would put my elastics back in to see if I was getting them in the right place and to look like I have being wearing them. Well turns out they are in the right place, all that pinging and hope has worked and also that I must have been very good with them as my teeth have moved to where they want.... little do they know I have only worn them 3 days out of 7.

So then I asked my consultant about my jaw coming down and he just replied that I was pedantic and not to worry most people have a little gum showing when they smile it is a sign of

'Looking distinguished' 

I am not so sure about this but will live in hope. Also I no longer have to wear front elastics just side ones this is another positive move forward.

On the way out the hospital I was purchasing some more paracetamol (liquid form) and was asked by the pharmascist if I had being in an accident to cause me to look like this! My mum's quick reply to this was:

'No, she was born like this' 

Cheers Mum can always rely on your uplifting words towards your only daughter I will forever cherish this.

Pain is starting to die down which is great just tends to ache in evening time when I swell due to talking and doing stuff throughout the day. My lips are currently very sore again due to flicking elastics in and out all the time so once again my best friend vasaline is coming to the rescue.

 I am becoming a lot more adventurous with the food today especially as I was told no chewing for a further 3 weeks!!! I think I am the only person post jaw surgery to hardly eat soup anymore I have even managed chocolate sticky pudding tonight with custard! Probably not recommended but I am not chewing just swallowing lol.

Anyway off to an all treat and no trick party for halloween, hopefully won't scare anyone too much.